April Fools

Your teachers, your school, your country, and even Tim and Moby, have been lying to you.

Summer is on its way, and with it comes the annual tradition of trips to local zoos. However, this summer might not be as fun for our primate compatriots as previous years with the introduction of new health and safety procedures to be implemented nationwide. The Health Association For Animal Recreational Training (HA-FART) has now recommended that all primate and primate-adjacent species should be trained to assist zoo employees with enforcing mask and social distance policies for all guests.

For the heart and soul of the music department, a 190 foot marble statue of our beloved band teacher, Dr. Shewan, has been constructed to recognize his 190 years of service to this school.

On Tuesday, March 23rd, East Amherst residents woke up to the clatter of the garbage trucks and the electric pulse of Moldovan Eurodance music. Many reported that a troupe of garbage disposal workers broke into dance as they collected the week’s garbage. In an official statement from the local Waste Management supervisor Gregory Greg III, the dancers were identified as employees of the firm who belong to a local dance group known as Ronnie and the Beans, who are preparing for their America’s Got Talent audition this summer.

As the debate over statehood for Washington D.C. rages, with the opposition consisting mainly of arguments citing its heavy Democratic leanings, House Republicans have unveiled their plans for a 52nd state. Meet the brainchild of the Republican Party: Middle Dakota.

The East Side News made its initial public offering on the New York Stock Exchange this past week, and investors are excited. The media conglomerate, which generates millions of dollars per year, is an investor magnate.

Last week, the Texas Senator voted to deny a terminally-ill 11 year old’s dying wish to visit the senate while it was in session on the basis of “Capitol Security Concerns”.

According to a new peer-reviewed study, all of humanity has been in one long fever-dream since January 1st, 2020. The research claims that there has- in fact- been no global pandemic, boiling racial tensions, or attempted coups in the last year.

James went outside.

As of now, the library is planned to be constructed in the middle of Fifth Avenue and will be made entirely of solid gold, including all of his signature writings.