Friday, January 28, 2022

Genshin Impact Announces Removal of Pity System (April Fools Edition)

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Since its debut in September, Genshin Impact has amassed a dedicated playerbase of almost forty million active players. Part of what brings in these players are the 5 star characters. Headed by an intriguing story of mystery and betrayal, especially in the second act of the Liyue chapter, starring 5 star characters as Zhongli, Xiao, and Ganyu. Solely on mobile, these three Liyue featured characters brought in over $45.4 million in revenue for miHoYo.

Vtubers Incite Worldwide Bank Robbing (April Fools Edition)

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Vtubers, a subcategory of YouTubers who use 2D anime characters as an identity, have recently taken the internet by storm. The majority of their earnings come from “superchats”, comments that can be paid to be put front and center on a live chat feed. These comments, upwards of 500$ at once, add up quickly and have made Vtubers millions, mainly for the COVER Corporation’s “Hololive” Vtubers whose clips and iconic personalities have brought in millions of fans. As of writing this article, Hololive Vtubers hold all of the top 5 spots in superchat earnings with each of the top 5 earning over 1 million dollars. It has recently come out that to earn all this money, multiple bank robberies across America and Japan have been committed in the name of these anime girls.

Sherlock Season 5 Out May 10th on Netflix (April Fools Edition)

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To the alacrity of their long-suffering fanbase, it has been announced that the fifth season of BBC’s Sherlock will be available on Netflix on 10 May 2021. After BBC One refused to pick up the new season, worrying that “teaching waterfowl to solve crimes is just not realistic” (New York Times), the producers turned to Netflix, a welcome move for some viewers who are inclined to watch the entire season in one go. Netflix immediately began marketing the show as an original series, convincing absolutely nobody.

BREAKING NEWS: Queen Elizabeth is Abdicating the Throne (April Fools Edition)

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Queen Elizabeth is missing. Gone. Disappeared. How, you may ask, does a 94 year old woman, living in the most secure institution in England just disappear? YOU’RE asking the wrong question; she didn’t disappear. She escaped.

Street Dance Troupe Performs in East Amherst Neighborhoods (April Fools Edition)

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On Tuesday, March 23rd, East Amherst residents woke up to the clatter of the garbage trucks and the electric pulse of Moldovan Eurodance music. Many reported that a troupe of garbage disposal workers broke into dance as they collected the week’s garbage. In an official statement from the local Waste Management supervisor Gregory Greg III, the dancers were identified as employees of the firm who belong to a local dance group known as Ronnie and the Beans, who are preparing for their America’s Got Talent audition this summer.

Small Town in Florida Dedicates a Church to Shaggy Rogers after an Act of...

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Florida is considered to be one of the weirdest states in the United States of America. From the infamous Florida Man to alligators to the blood-sucking mosquitoes, Florida is its own country at this point. Even President Carl Wheezer has stated that Florida was “a strange place that shouldn’t be associated with America”. Upon the president’s statement, hundreds and thousands of Americans have started up campaigns and petitions to fully remove Florida from the United States.

Animal Rights Activists Raise Concerns Over Zoo Mask Policies (April Fools Edition)

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Summer is on its way, and with it comes the annual tradition of trips to local zoos. However, this summer might not be as fun for our primate compatriots as previous years with the introduction of new health and safety procedures to be implemented nationwide. The Health Association For Animal Recreational Training (HA-FART) has now recommended that all primate and primate-adjacent species should be trained to assist zoo employees with enforcing mask and social distance policies for all guests.

Senate Republicans’ Case Against D.C. Statehood: Middle Dakota (April 1st Edition)

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As the debate over statehood for Washington D.C. rages, with the opposition consisting mainly of arguments citing its heavy Democratic leanings, House Republicans have unveiled their plans for a 52nd state. Meet the brainchild of the Republican Party: Middle Dakota.

The East Side News makes its IPO (April 1st Edition)

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The East Side News made its initial public offering on the New York Stock Exchange this past week, and investors are excited. The media conglomerate, which generates millions of dollars per year, is an investor magnate.

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