Senate Republicans’ Case Against D.C. Statehood: Middle Dakota (April 1st Edition)


By Philip Baillargeon

Original Image Source: Citizendium

As the debate over statehood for Washington D.C. rages, with the opposition consisting mainly of arguments citing its heavy Democratic leanings, House Republicans have unveiled their plans for a 52nd state. Meet the brainchild of the Republican Party: Middle Dakota.

As Representative Jody Hice puts it, “It’s the ideal state. It’s got landfills. It’s got car dealerships. What else could you possibly ask for?”

The newly planned state would have a northern border just south of North Dakota’s capital, Bismark, and South Dakota’s capital, Pierre. As for Middle Dakota’s capital? 

“Mound City,” Rep. Dusty Johnson responded as he left Thursday’s caucus lunch. “We’re going to put the new capital in Mound City. We’ve got plenty of space out there for all sorts of federal buildings that we need. It’s going to be nice and big and have lots of manufacturing and logging and mining and all of the things that real states have.”

As of the 2010 census, Mound City has a population of roughly 71 people. Estimates for 2020 put the number closer to 65 people, which seems sufficient to run a modest state capital. Construction of the new buildings is likely to begin in 2025 once Republican state legislatures have control over a majority of electoral votes and there aren’t any lengthy hurdles like popular votes to threaten their majority.

Senator Cruz, an adamant supporter of this proposal and presumed cosponsor of the imminent bill establishing Middle Dakota, urges Republicans not to stop at one new state. Leaked documents from internal Republican Caucus meetings reveal some new proposed states, which  include “Big Texas North” and “Big Texas South” (which cuts out Dallas, Fort Worth, Houston, Austin, and San Antonio, or “Little Texas”, and splits the remaining desert in two parts), “Western California” (which is fifty mile wide strip on the western edge of California), and “Montana II” (which is still in the conceptual phase).

When asked about these leaked proposals, Senator Cruz slicked back his mullet (which Cruz’s office insisted was the proper term to the collection of hair follicles that mass about his neck region) and snidely remarked, “If the Democrats want to get two more Senators, it’s only fair that we get at least ten more because… They hate Dr. Seuss! Yeah, they hate Dr. Seuss and that’s why we should get more votes in the Senate! And come on, who doesn’t want Big Texas North? And Big Texas South? I’ve been trying to get Big Texas to happen for years!”

When contacted for comment, House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy’s office sent an automatic response email that said something about Mr. Potato Head.

Assuming the Republican Party presents an actual party platform in 2024 (something they declined to provide in 2020), look for the Middle Dakota plank. The Republican Party finally seems to grasp the single most important rule of American politics; whoever draws the maps wins.