APRIL FOOLS – West High School Construction


Leaked photo from the site of construction for Williamsville West.

The four cardinal directions are north, south, east, and west. Accordingly, the four Williamsville high schools are North, South, East, and … West??? 

Yes, as of March 27, 2020, the school board voted 5-4 to fund the construction of a Williamsville West High School. 

Why are we building Williamsville West High School?

The main reason — as WCSD Superintendent Scott Martzloff, AKA “Ya Boy Scotty, The King of Snow Dayzz”, noted — is that we need economic stimulus in this time of coronavirus. 

“How did FDR get us out of the Great Depression?” Martzloff asked. “Public works projects! Indeed, I will now resign my title as ‘King of Snow Days’ and proclaim myself the ‘New New Dealer of Williamsville’,” he answered himself in a jovial manner. 

But how will we build it/pay for it?

In order to build West High School, the district will employ 400 high school seniors who have been displaced from their classrooms. These seniors will be paid a half-living wage. No, that doesn’t just mean $7.50 an hour. It means that they’ll be paid $7.50 an hour in limited edition Williamsville pennies, which feature the zombified faces of our former mayors. 

Indeed, these limited edition pennies are the second prong of Martzloff’s economic stimulus plan, undertaken in collaboration with Governor Andrew Cuomo and Acting President Mike Pence (Donald Trump currently has coronavirus, say our sources). 

“How do we rescue ourselves from an economic depression? We give people money!” the Governor said, echoing Andrew Yang (who is reported to be resuming his campaign for the 2020 Democratic nomination). So, then the question arose: How will we get the money? Obviously, taxing the residents of Williamsville would be met with suburban class rage. 

So, instead, they decided to mint their own money. “Genius idea,” said Acting President Pence of Cuomo’s plan. “Sure, it causes inflation. But, inflation is just in your head. After all, balloons are inflated, and nobody thinks that’s bad.”

Intended Student Body

Martzloff’s intent is for one third of the student body of each school, drawn by random lottery, to begin attending West High School starting in September 2020. This, he claims, will create desirable levels of diversity: middle-class Caucasian students from East Amherst, middle-class Caucasian students from Getzville, and middle-class Caucasian students from downtown Williamsville — all attending the same school. “I think these students will come to see the different ways of life that people of other communities live,” Martzloff says. “For instance, the students from East Amherst will be able to teach the students from Getzville about the legend of the Klein Turkey.”

Future Administration

As for the office of Principal, Philip Baillargeon, the wildly popular host of The Bonfire, has won the Student Advocacy Party’s nomination for the Principal of Williamsville West High School. 

He will face Chris Collins, the disgraced Republican Congressman, in the general election. Current polling shows Baillargeon up by 4 points. 

Voting for this election will be open via WITS to all Williamsville high schoolers on August 20th, 2020. Unfortunately, at the present moment, the latest edition of DASA has disenfranchised all the parents and adults of the Williamsville Central School District from voting in school district elections.

“We need an outsider,” Baillargeon says of his own candidacy. He continues, “We need somebody who has lived the problems of the students, who understands the problems of the students, who will fight for the problems of the students. And that candidate is me.” He insists that his TV background and lack of political experience is an asset, not a liability. “Change must come to the District Office, not from the District Office,” Baillargeon says.

Why vote for Collins? “I’m not a Democr … oh, wait. I forgot. This school district isn’t gerrymandered,” Collins said from his prison cell in an exclusive interview with ESN.

As for VP, Baillargeon intends to pick Eric Yang, the famous internet entrepreneur and founder of Gumpshroom Gambling. “Freshmen are a crucial voting bloc in this election. I’ve known Evan for a long time, and he has proven himself to be reliable, trustworthy, and a man of the people, in both his private life and business career,” Baillargeon says. 

“Dude, think of how many people I can get to join Gumpshroom Gambling!” says Yang of being selected as Baillargeon’s running mate. Indeed, ESN is currently investigating rumors that Yang and Baillargeon, upon taking office, intend to privatize Williamsville West High School and make it a subsidiary of Gumpshroom Gambling, Inc., Yang’s holding company. When asked about it, Yang simply shrugged and said, “To the winner goes the spoils.” Baillargeon has privately assured supporters that, unlike Collins, he will require Yang to name an acting director of Gumpshroom and refrain from insider trading for as long as humanly possible.

More information about Baillargeon’s and Yang’s campaign platform can be found on gumbling.net.


At any rate, the construction of Williamsville West High School is sure to make a big impact on our community. Stay tuned for more details, or rather, don’t stay tuned. There won’t be more details.