APRIL FOOLS – Joe Biden announces ice cream pop-up shops


by Joelle Silvestri and Maler Suresh

Biden vs. Sanders, the battle of the year. With the next elections coming, YOU may be wondering who to vote for. To help you out, we have a story that might just surprise you. A story that casts a comforting, almost child-like, glow on one special candidate. Vice President Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. has just announced his plans to go around the globe, selling his new line of artisanal ice cream flavors, saucily named “Joe Goes Moo™”. Biden will be introducing his delicious ice cream masterpieces to the public by doing an international pop up shop tour. 

That’s right. International. 

Joe wants the world to know what he’s capable of. From Japan to Mexico, Joe is making life sweeter. You may be wondering why he’s doing this. Well, it all goes back to his Vice Presidential days. Summers spent out in the sun eating not one ice cream at a time, but two. One day, ruminating on his lifelong passion for ice cream, Joe decided to make something of himself. All proceeds will go towards a special fund which, when in need, will be used for his campaign. 

However, if he does lose to Bernie, even after this sweet move, the money will be used to build permanent storefronts in his favorite places, Tgusigalpa, Honduras and Slickpoo, Idaho. For now, taste Biden’s best at any of the locations listed below to see what critics call “this effervescent, elvin creature frolicking in his natural habitat, enjoying the thing he loves the most: some frozen dairy.” You may even see Biden himself carrying his signature double ice cream cones. 

Now, you may be thinking “This is great and all but, what about the lactose intolerants and the vegans??” But Joe’s got you covered! Biden has partnered with the makers of the lactose free ice cream brand, NadaMoo! ™ and has created some vegan flavors for everyone to enjoy. Biden claims he spent months in his ice cream laboratory constructing funky flavors like, “Funky Mustard Banana Split” and “Spicy Silly Sriracha Jicama.” 

While Biden has made some pretty controversial flavors he has still made the classic vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry flavors available at his pop up shop as well. To promote his accomplishments and invite the world to taste the power, Joe is going on the air with his dear friend Conan O’Brien. 

In an interview Biden told Conan, “I am tingling excitement! I might be lactose intolerant and allergic to sugar cones, but nothing can stop me now!” 

Visit any of the pop up shop locations listed on Biden’s website to enjoy a sweet treat you won’t forget!