Small Town in Florida Dedicates a Church to Shaggy Rogers after an Act of Kindness (April Fools Edition)

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Source: “Dexter Avenue Baptist Church.” Encyclopedia of Alabama, encyclopediaofalabama.org/article/m-3039.

By Iman Ahsan

Florida is considered to be one of the weirdest states in the United States of America. From the infamous Florida Man to alligators to the blood-sucking mosquitoes, Florida is its own country at this point. Even President Carl Wheezer has stated that Florida was “a strange place that shouldn’t be associated with America”. Upon the president’s statement, hundreds and thousands of Americans have started up campaigns and petitions to fully remove Florida from the United States.

    In recent years, there’s been an anti-Florida movement across the country. Thousands of non-Floridians gather in large groups in the cities to voice their concerns about keeping Florida part of the United States of America. The general notion is that if Florida remains part of the States, then it could possibly lead to an economic recession and a great famine. Americans also fear that Florida’s madness could be contagious and may spread to other states.

    The rise in hatred for Floridians and their state has caused great panic and fear in Floridians. Hundreds of Florida’s inhabitants are starting to pack their bags and head north in order to escape the relentless tormenting they’re subjected to by non-Floridians. 

    “No, yeah, I’m literally terrified for my life!” said one Floridian native, “One night everything was fine, and the next day, we woke up to President Wheezer flaming us on Twitter and calling us ‘America’s weird cousin’. Everyone seems to hate us now, and I just know that I have to get out of here. It’ll only be a matter of time until Governor Raini Rodriguez of New York conducts an invasion on Florida where sewer rats will flood our streets!” 

    It’s an unfortunate turn of events to see how Florida has gone from America’s most beloved state to America’s most hated state. Amidst the bullying of Florida, one brave soul decided to take a stand for Florida. That very brave soul is called Shaggy Rogers.

    On a rainy Monday morning in the murky month of April, Shaggy tweeted out on Twitter:

    “Like zoinks man, this Florida hate is going too far. Leave Florida alone. Florida has done nothing wrong but offer like the greatest food of all time! One more anti-Florida rally and I will make you non-Floridians disintegrate into specks of dust and glitter. Like, just you watch man.” 

    After his statement on Twitter, the hatred for Florida started to go down, and even President Wheezer issued a public apology for his inconsiderate words towards Floridians. With just the power of a tweet, Shaggy Rogers ended the anti-Florida movement.

    Floridians were beyond grateful from Shaggy’s kind words. Puerto Coramar, a small town in Florida, decided to express their immeasurable gratitude by dedicating a church to him. “The Church of Shaggy” was gifted to Shaggy Rogers shortly after his act of kindness and bravery. For him to defend Florida had gained the respect of many Floridians, so it was only right of Floridians to give him something beautiful.

    On April 8th, Shaggy flew over to Puerto Coramar from Coolsville to meet Father Kelpy G Brown, a famous priest from Florida who is rumored to be related to Jerry Trainor. There, Father Kelpy G Brown gifted the church to Shaggy, and with just a simple handshake, the two restored world peace. 

    All it took was just a simple act of kindness to get a church dedicated to him, to restore world peace, and to finally put an end to the agonizing hatred of Florida. Now, Florida has returned to being America’s most beloved country again because non-Floridians are now aware that if they dare to even utter a single word against Florida, then Shaggy will just snap his fingers and make them disintegrate on the spot. 

    So all of you hateful, pessimistic non-Floridians out there beware for Shaggy Rogers is always watching you.

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