By Maler Suresh and Thza Kanapathipillai
Queen Elizabeth is missing. Gone. Disappeared. How, you may ask, does a 94 year old woman, living in the most secure institution in England just disappear? YOU’RE asking the wrong question; she didn’t disappear. She escaped.
An anonymous source from Buckingham Palace revealed that on Wednesday evening, after dinner, the door to the Queen’s office was slightly ajar. The source discovered the Queen and a “strange, random person” having a dispute. The source was then called away for other important palace matters, but when they returned, nobody was in the office. ”Something seemed a little dodgy, but I didn’t think anything of it at the time. I was absolutely gobsmacked to find out that the ol’ Gan Gan finally did it.” The mystery man was later identified to be the head of Marvel, Kevin Feige.
We then spoke to a member of the Queen’s Royal Guard. Sir Reginald Reg of the 5th Northumberland Fusiliers, who was on duty at 6 AM that morning, claims he saw the Queen running through the Royal gardens. Law enforcement felt this to be suspicious behavior on the part of Sir Reginald, who was meant to be posted at the front gates. When pressed, Sir Reginald reluctantly admitted, “Blimey mate, I’d had a dodgy cornish pasty just the evening before, and let’s just say…. I had the ol’ collywobbles if you know what I mean.” We, however, did not know what he meant. A couple of minutes, and some rapid Google translating later, we understood perfectly. Let’s just say a trip to the men’s room was in order. After emerging from the men’s room, located at the back of the palace near the gardens, Sir Reginald saw, out of the corner of his eye, a blur of white and orange. At first, Sir Reginald thought it might be Donald Trump in a cardigan. “Nothing amiss,” he said to himself. However, in the daily palace briefing later that day, security footage revealed a rather disconcerting sight: the Queen of England, climbing over the gates of Buckingham Palace. At that moment, Sir Reginald knew something had been amiss that morning, and he immediately informed law enforcement officials of the blur he had seen.
Later in the day, civilians in the quaint little town of Giggleswick, Yorkshire, reported something strange, but seemingly unrelated. Alistair Chapman, a citizen of Giggleswick, was the first to notice the object soaring above the town. In an interview with us, he said, “We were all so astonished, you see. I heard locals shout, ‘It’s a bird!’ ‘No it’s a plane!’ I thought to myself, ‘NO it’s Queen Elizabeth!!’”
But how did they know it was her? “Well there was no doubt in my mind,” said Alistair, “Who else would be wearing pearls, white gloves, and a dress set complete with a matching hat? Not to mention them all bein’ in Windsor appropriate hues.”
A letter was found that afternoon on the Queen’s desk, in which she wrote, “This family doesn’t want me to pursue my dreams. So I’m done. Don’t come looking for me, or else. B-t-dubs, I am abdicating the throne. Best regards, Queen Liz.” She was later spotted flying over the Atlantic Ocean, presumably headed towards the United States.
So where is Lizzie now? The paparazzi found her in Hollywood, California, and an anonymous tip informs us that she will be filming an upcoming Marvel film. After her recent activity, which apparently includes flying, running at superspeed, and scaling palace walls, we should be expecting the Queen to be doing her own stunts.
Stay tuned for “Commonwealth: The Queen that Could” coming soon in theaters near you