APRIL FOOLS – A Modest Proposal: Year-Long Remote Learning


Over my previous weeks devoted to frequent meditation and the study of human nature, I have concluded that the shift we see today is a necessary stimulus to push classroom learning to achieve its ultimate form. Through consultations with various staff members, fellow students, and my own subconscious, I have hereafter concluded that remote learning should not be the exception, but the rule. It only took classroom learning to be brought outside the classroom for us to see its systems dismantled before our very eyes. Here are my guidelines to move on in this enlightened form.

Let us not hinder students by providing them with devices to attend these online classes or the materials needed to complete their studies. Students should be free, by our laissez-faire principles, to seek out their own means to learn. Any provision of materials by the school, or, by extension, the school district, would merely incapacitate or overwhelm students of lesser means, who by this system are free to twiddle their thumbs and be left behind by the greater world in peace.

Let us not train our teachers in tools by which they can impart instruction. Again, their freedom allows them to choose a curriculum limited by their own means and abilities (however limiting they may be). If a teacher struggles with technology, as many may understandably struggle, let them experience the joys and wonders of seeking their own guidance, untethered by administration.

May the health of our children be put into their own hands, be it the food they seek or the exercise they need. Let all former tethers be let away as students begin on their daily pilgrimage to the school if they lack the means to find food in their own homes, risking exposure and enduring hardship each day. May the health of students, previously hand-holded at nauseum, be stripped away completely, leaving them to fend for themselves and let the most motivated thrive under newfound liberation. Let the stragglers fend for themselves; this is the American way, after all.

And the mental health of students, the support they could receive in a building? Why, let them be found, if you put all of your might and willpower into it. For the stresses of the school surely must disappear along with the building, yes? For it is the responsibility of friends to form packs in the absence of a brick and mortar pact by design, yes? Let nature take its course, for nature alone surely doesn’t present a threat to those unprepared for her full glory.

And the teachers? To those who worry of their undue suffering? Of them being, most for the first time in their careers, forced to combat the world and reach their students alone? Why, let them have the liberty and reprieve of finding their own way. What freedom they will surely feel alone! And to the questions they are unable to answer, on the impact to the future of students and to the future of their education? Let them remain unanswered. Let us leave their world in darkness for as long as it takes to be directed to provide a light.

I implore the imagination of a world composed of separate households, separate barricades, to force students to look within themselves at nauseum. A world forever separated is a world without conflict. And that’s the last thing students need, yes? The imperative to confront their problems. The will to hold them accountable. Let us leave it to them.

Let us leave it to them.

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Hello, all! It’s your friendly neighborhood International Section Editor, Philip Baillargeon here. I originally hail from Armada, Michigan, and I’m currently a sophomore here at Williamsville East. In addition to being an editor here at the East Side News, I am Wind Ensemble Secretary, a Sources of Strength Peer leader, active member of Film Appreciation Society, and Stage Crew picky-uppy guy. I love being backstage and getting into the nitty-gritty with our school play and musical, along with any other performances throughout the year. This is my first year editing the newspaper, and I am looking forward to making the world a better place by promoting education and transparency.. From Norway to Zimbabwe, the International Section has you covered! Happy writing!