Prince Philip Caught With a Cultural Artifact to Gain Immortality (April Fools Edition)

The infamous picture of Prince Philip (Reuters: Hannah McKay)

By Michael Ge

A major scandal has rocked the United Kingdom once again. The BBC has reported that Prince Philip has been caught at an unknown location in the Middle East with the Holy Grail. Reports say that Prince Philip used the Grail  to achieve immortality. The Grail was reported stolen after an American archaeologist was last seen with it in the 1930s. Buckingham Palace has quickly issued a statement saying, “We strongly deny any accusation made against Prince Philip that he achieved immortality through stealing a cultural artifact.” In June, Prince Philip turns 100 years old and people have often asked how he has achieved his level of longevity. It seems that people finally have the answer to that question, stealing cultural artifacts. Given that he is a member of the Royal Family, Prince Philip cannot be charged with a crime.

Prince Philip has ordered Buckingham Palace to issue a contradictory follow up statement to the initial statement that was made stating, “I really enjoy drinking with this Grail, it adds a fruity aroma to whatever I drink and compliments my foie gras quite nicely. I’m here to stay forever and feel very much alive. My one complaint is that it doesn’t have hundreds of gems on it like a crown; my Grail looks rather plain. The Queen also happens to be immortal but not because she uses my Grail. She’s just immortal and I don’t know why; in fact, nobody knows why.” Often accused of being dead, Prince Philip has issued a strong rebuttal and showed to the world his newfound vitality.

Prince Philip personally stealing a cultural artifact has been the worst scandal to hit the Royal Family since the former King Edward VIII met with Adolf Hitler and proclaimed his admiration of Nazi Germany. More recent scandals to hit the Royal Family have included the divorce between Prince Charles and Princess Diana. Even more recently, Prince Andrew being accused of being a pedophile after his high profile relationship with Jeffrey Epstein received international condemnation. And just a few weeks ago, the Royal Family was deeply hurt with accusations of racism among many other accusations after a bombshell Oprah interview with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Britain has often been accused of stealing cultural artifacts from many nations, but a member of the Royal Family personally stealing one is a step too far for many people.

In Britain, reactions have been swift. People have taken to the streets calling for the abolition of the Royal Family because of Prince Philip’s actions and others have rushed to defend Prince Philip’s actions. Former Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn tweeted, “Now is the right time for a republic in Britain. I have channeled the power of Vladimir Lenin and I will fight Prince Philip if need be.” Prime Minister Boris Johnson issued a statement staying, “We should be very concerned about this development, but now is not the time to panic. After all we have always borrowed artifacts from other nations and not given them back. Back in my day, if you held on to something long enough you could keep it. Maybe we can privatise the Royal Family and sell titles to the highest bidder.” The First Minister of Scotland and Scottish National Party Leader Nicola Sturgeon issued a statement saying, “The time has come for Scotland to be independent again. The time for a referendum is now. We should not be in a union with thieves.” 

International reactions have also been swift. President Joe Biden said at a recent press conference, “Look man, I’m Irish so I really don’t like the British. In fact, I declined a request for comment from the BBC once because I said that I’m Irish. Obviously, stealing is bad, but I met Prince Philip before and he’s a really nice guy. Anyway, I’m going to leave this press conference to scream at Joe Manchin for the next six hours.” Former Sinn Fein leader and alleged IRA leader Gerry Adams has tweeted, “The horrific actions of Prince Philip have shown that the need for a United Ireland is now! Tiocfaidh ar la!”

With the future of the Royal Family in doubt, Prince Philip has challenged anyone who dares to get rid of the Royal Family to engage against him in trial by combat. Jeremy Corbyn has gladly accepted this offer after he found his new powers. The fight will be broadcast on April 21st, which happens to be the Queen’s birthday, on the BBC in the UK and be pay-per-view on C-SPAN 3 in the United States. The fight has already been hyped up as a once in a generation fight and is projected to earn billions of dollars for the economy.