April Fools

To the alacrity of their long-suffering fanbase, it has been announced that the fifth season of BBC’s Sherlock will be available on Netflix on 10 May 2021. After BBC One refused to pick up the new season, worrying that “teaching waterfowl to solve crimes is just not realistic” (New York Times), the producers turned to Netflix, a welcome move for some viewers who are inclined to watch the entire season in one go. Netflix immediately began marketing the show as an original series, convincing absolutely nobody.

Queen Elizabeth is missing. Gone. Disappeared. How, you may ask, does a 94 year old woman, living in the most secure institution in England just disappear? YOU’RE asking the wrong question; she didn’t disappear. She escaped.

On Tuesday, March 23rd, East Amherst residents woke up to the clatter of the garbage trucks and the electric pulse of Moldovan Eurodance music. Many reported that a troupe of garbage disposal workers broke into dance as they collected the week’s garbage. In an official statement from the local Waste Management supervisor Gregory Greg III, the dancers were identified as employees of the firm who belong to a local dance group known as Ronnie and the Beans, who are preparing for their America’s Got Talent audition this summer.

Florida is considered to be one of the weirdest states in the United States of America. From the infamous Florida Man to alligators to the blood-sucking mosquitoes, Florida is its own country at this point. Even President Carl Wheezer has stated that Florida was “a strange place that shouldn’t be associated with America”. Upon the president’s statement, hundreds and thousands of Americans have started up campaigns and petitions to fully remove Florida from the United States.

Summer is on its way, and with it comes the annual tradition of trips to local zoos. However, this summer might not be as fun for our primate compatriots as previous years with the introduction of new health and safety procedures to be implemented nationwide. The Health Association For Animal Recreational Training (HA-FART) has now recommended that all primate and primate-adjacent species should be trained to assist zoo employees with enforcing mask and social distance policies for all guests.

James went outside.

As the debate over statehood for Washington D.C. rages, with the opposition consisting mainly of arguments citing its heavy Democratic leanings, House Republicans have unveiled their plans for a 52nd state. Meet the brainchild of the Republican Party: Middle Dakota.

The East Side News made its initial public offering on the New York Stock Exchange this past week, and investors are excited. The media conglomerate, which generates millions of dollars per year, is an investor magnate.

According to a new peer-reviewed study, all of humanity has been in one long fever-dream since January 1st, 2020. The research claims that there has- in fact- been no global pandemic, boiling racial tensions, or attempted coups in the last year.

For the heart and soul of the music department, a 190 foot marble statue of our beloved band teacher, Dr. Shewan, has been constructed to recognize his 190 years of service to this school.