By Hank Bartholomew
In a statement released to the press this week, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, or CDC, warned of the potentially debilitating health effects of long-term exposure to the Washington Wizards basketball team. In the seventy-four-page press release, the nation’s leading scientists laid out not only how rooting for the Wizards can have negative mental health effects but also how exposure to such poor basketball can lead viewers to regress in their physical capabilities with regard to the sport.
Susan Monarez, PhD, the current director of the CDC, did not mince her words during a press conference a few days later. “We have to protect our kids,” Dr. Monarez proclaimed. “An epidemic is on the horizon. The Wizards aren’t going to get any better. They’re building around their current corps. Things aren’t going to improve. I don’t even think Cooper Flagg can make much of a difference. It’s that bad. We have to prepare for the contingency that the Wizards are going to be like this for the next decade.”
Monarez wasn’t the only medical professional to express concerns over this pressing issue. Vivek Murthy, U.S. Surgeon General, urged those who were at risk of being exposed to Wizards basketball to be careful. “If you live anywhere remotely close to the D.C. metropolitan area, please refrain from turning on ESPN whenever possible. Make no mistake, this is not the same Wizards team from ten years ago. John Wall is gone. There is no one to save you.” Murthy went on to explain how exactly the Wizards are dangerous. “Attaching emotion to this team’s success is guaranteed to lead to severe depression and potentially even repressed memories. The human mind is not able to comprehend this much loss—most especially losing by so many points. Humans as a species are not designed to handle this,” noted Murthy. “As far as reducing the viewer’s basketball skill, that is pretty self-explanatory. When watching the Wizards, your mind will struggle to accept the fact that this is a professional basketball team. In order to comprehend and acknowledge this fact, your body will instinctively reduce its own skill level so that the skill level difference between yourself and these professional players is appropriate.”
The city of D.C. has already taken action to stop the spread of this health epidemic. Any restaurants that show Wizards games on television will receive a severe fine, and local judges have stated that they will enforce these fines up to the maximum amount punishable by the law. Furthermore, vendors will not be allowed to sell Wizards merchandise, such as jerseys, to anyone under twenty-one. City officials argue that this is a necessity, as minors are not capable of understanding the dangers of becoming a Wizards fan.
Our thoughts go out to D.C. residents. We wish the best for them and hope relief comes soon. There is some good news, however: scientists at the Cleveland Clinic believe they may have found a partial antidote to any symptoms caused by the Wizards. Per these scientists, symptoms can be reduced by Derrick White highlights.
