By Neil Vijay
This NFL Season has been one of the wildest to date, this week alone, we had a total of 6 game-winning field goals. Games are coming down to the wire, pretenders are being exposed for who they really are, the Caleb Williams race just got a lot tighter (but there are 4 teams pulling ahead), and the true contenders are making themselves known. Without further ado, lets get into the rankings.
32. Carolina Panthers: This team is in the gutter, worst record in the league and their number 1 pick is being outshined by everybody from the number 2 pick of the draft down to an undrafted D2 QB in Chicago. Its just a mess in Carolina.
31. New England Patriots: The Patriots couldn’t muster up 7 points in a 10-6 loss to the Indianapolis Colts in Frankfurt, Germany. That game was so horrendous that it must have been payback for WW2 with how bad it was. I’m not saying that Bill Belichick is bad, but he clearly hasn’t adapted along with the game.
30. New York Giants: The Giants got blown out by the Cowboys again. Their QB lives in his mom’s basement (no seriously, google it). That’s all you really need to know to understand how bad the Giants are.
29. Arizona Cardinals: The Cardinals decided to kick a game-winning FG this week, hooray! Now you have two meaningless wins!
28. Tennessee Titans: Just when the Titans thought they had the next big QB, Will Leis immediately proves that his fantastic debut was a major fluke.
27. Chicago Bears: You barely scraped a win against the Panthers and you have a D2 QB. You’re very bad
26. Los Angeles Rams: The Rams didn’t play this week, QB Matthew Stafford is coming back, maybe things will get better (but they probably won’t).
25. Green Bay Packers: Just when Jordan Love seems to be having a great day, the football gods rip out all of my hopes and dreams.
24. New York Jets: The narrative around QB Zach Wilson seems to shift from “QB making great improvements” and “he sucks”. I need more consistency out of him before I even think about this team doing anything in the postseason, let alone making the playoffs.
23. Atlanta Falcons: You lost to the Cardinals.
22. Washington Commanders: QB Sam Howell is actually pretty good, which is something I didn’t expect, unfortunately, that doesn’t always mean this team will get a win.
21. Las Vegas Raiders: Who knew that firing an awful head coach and giving the ball to star WR Davante Adams would do good things for a team?
20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: If you go look up the word “mediocre” in a dictionary, this is the team that dictionary would use as an example
19. Denver Broncos: When people think of mysteries, they think of questions like “How was Stonehenge built”, or “Is there a cure for cancer”. Personally, I think about “how did the Denver Broncos go from losing 70-20 to winning against the Bills and the Chiefs?”.
18. Indianapolis Colts: You are so lucky you played the Patriots this week.
17. New Orleans Saints: Average, very average. You would have had 2 more wins on the season if you didn’t miss the game-winning FG in week 3 and if Foster Moreau knew how to catch a football, but unfortunately, those losses do count against you.
16. Pittsburgh Steelers: Ah yes, the worst-best team. I don’t know if Mike Tomlin is a football wizard but somehow he keeps getting wins.
15. Los Angeles Chargers: Ah yes, the best-worst team. Their offense is like trying to stop a freight train at full speed, and their defense is less effective than a sack of potatoes. Now that I think about it, this defense would probably take that as a compliment because the last time I heard the words “sack” and “Chargers defense” in the same sentence, Phillip Rivers was still on the team.
14. Buffalo Bills: Wow, I honestly don’t even know what to say. This team might be the biggest disappointment of the season. They have only had 3 convincing wins all year, and they should be 4-6 if the refs correctly called pass interference on the final play of the Giants game. This team is shockingly bad, and their OC Ken Dorsey has just been fired. I think it’s honestly fair to ask if this team is even going to make it to the playoffs.
13. Minnesota Vikings: The Passtronaut has arrived. QB Josh Dobbs looks more like Josh Allen than the actual Josh Allen nowadays. He doesn’t even have to play football because he is a literal rocket scientist. This is probably the guy your parents compare you to.
12. Cincinnati Bengals: The Bengals are back, sort of. They’re not as good as they were last year, but they’re still good.
11. Houston Texans: Last Season, the Texans were fighting for the number one overall pick in the draft. All they had to do was lose their final game of the season. What did they do? They won on a Hail Mary. All of this led to the Texans not getting the number one overall pick, drafting CJ Stroud, and now they are legitimate Super Bowl contenders.
10. Seattle Seahawks: The most underrated team in the league. They don’t get any attention, but they are a top-10 team in the league right now.
9. Jacksonville Jaguars: You got absolutely crushed 37-3. Still a really good team though.
8. Cleveland Browns: after shocking the Ravens this Sunday, they are right in the middle of the AFC North title race. This should come as no surprise, as the Browns have proven they can beat great teams before (like the 49ers).
7. Miami Dolphins: This team has to beat the “cant beat any good teams” allegations before I move them any higher in the rankings.
6. San Francisco 49ers: Good news, you broke a 3-game losing streak. Bad news: You had a 3 game losing streak.
5. Kansas City Swifties: The Swifties had a bye week this week, and the more I think about this team, the more I think it’s boom (they win the Super Bowl) or bust (don’t win a single playoff game). Unfortunately, I feel like it’s probably going to end up as a bust, but you never know when you have Patrick Mahomes and Taylor Swift’s boyfriend on the same team.
4. Detroit Lions: The Lions are good, like unusually good. Maybe the Lions might win a playoff game for the first time since 1992.
3. Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens are a streaky team in the sense that either they’re hot or they’re cold. That being said, the Ravens can get hotter than the sun. Also, nowadays it’s not a bad thing to lose to the Browns.
2. Dallas Cowboys: Every once in a while, the Cowboys wake up on a Sunday, and decide to humiliate their opponents to a level that shouldn’t be possible. The Cowboys have outscored the Giants 89-17 this season. Maybe this time you won’t fall apart in the playoffs like you normally do (heavy emphasis on “maybe”).
1. Philadelphia Eagles: No surprise here, the Eagles are great, and they will stay great for a long time. Plus, The Eagles have beaten great teams before, like the Dolphins and the Cowboys.
