By Pen Fang
Perhaps you’ve seen Mr. Huber strolling down the hall with his Bills mug in one hand and his French press in the other. Perhaps you’ve seen the epidemic-like spread of energy drinks and coffee in the hands of East students. And perhaps, just perhaps, you, too, have felt concern twinge your heart at the amount of caffeine consumed by this school.
Well, fear no more! Our very own beloved Mr. Huber has started a Caffeinators Anonymous Club for recovering caffeine addicts (“and those who may be in denial about their consumption rate.”)
While there is yet to be a set meeting schedule, Mr. Huber says the club is “open to anyone who needs it, caffeine lover or caffeine hater, whether you are simply concerned about your peers or regularly guzzle Red Bull to make it through the day.”
Like many East students, Mr. Huber is afflicted with a raging caffeine addiction — not so dissimilar to perhaps a Victorian man stricken with dizzy longing at the sight of ankles (only, high-quality black coffee instead of an inch of visible skin). He seeks to both overcome the mug in his hand and establish a supportive environment for caffeinators who seek to be less caffeinated. Or the concerned friends of consistent caffeinators who will drag their friends to these Caffeinators Anonymous meetings.
The club’s first meeting took place concurrently with the most recent East Side News meeting. Many members of ESN staff were supportive of the club, though some were more hostile than others at some of the proposals.
When Mr. Huber announced his club proposal, a loud “NOOO” was heard. Attendees say it came from Angelina Tang, who added forlornly, “My caffeine… I will mourn my wakefulness.”
“I mean, they can’t ban caffeinated drinks,” Pen Fang remarked. “How else would I feel like a normal person?”
At an attending member’s proposal to remove the Math Office coffee machine, there were cheers of support.
“Down with the Keurig!” Emma Wu — who, quick note, is quite well-versed in health and sci-tech affairs and would like to add that she is concerned about her friends’ caffeine consumption rate — shouted.
“I think this club is a great opportunity,” senior Isabella Gu said. “There are truly so many benefits.”
Jessica Dennehy, a frequent coffee consumer, remarked, “I don’t know how to feel about this. It almost feels like I’m being attacked for- COFFEE. Look, just because you can’t handle a 16-oz Thermos of black coffee before fifth period health doesn’t mean other people can’t, Armita. I’m perfectly fine.”
“I swear to God,” Dennehy added, “it’s a lifestyle. Not an addiction.”
Lifestyle or not, the reliance of East students on caffeine to simply get through the day awake is at the very least, concerning.