By: Jessica A. Dennehy
Following his debut performance at his wife Priscilla Chan’s 40th birthday party, Facebook (sorry, Meta) CEO Mark Zuckerberg has announced a shift in career paths, saying that he is embarking on a global musical tour. From Silicon Valley to the lizard people capital of White Plains, NY, Zuckerberg, through his unwanted musical extravaganza, seeks to prove once and for all that he is, in fact, a real human with emotions.
Zuckerberg, best known for pioneering social media addiction and for his uncanny ability to blink exactly once per minute, took to Threads (Meta’s much cooler, but somehow still lame, Twitter alternative) to share the news. “Excited to announce my first-ever world tour! Music has always been a passion of mine. This is my chance to connect with people…like, emotionally,” he posted. After a five-minute delay, which experts believe he spent either attempting to take a selfie or buying another gift for his wife, Zuckerberg eventually attached a promo image of himself holding a guitar. It may or may not have been upside down. Further tour promotions by Zuckerberg revealed that he has created (and patented) a new genre of music, called “Zuck Rock™.” This new sound, consisting of a mix of original AI-generated songs and “metaverse remixes” of classic hits that have been bought and paid for, has had multiple other artists already purchasing distribution rights. Those of note include Charlie XCX and JoJo Siwa.
To add a futuristic twist, Zuckerberg’s tour will integrate Meta’s latest VR technology into every concert, allowing fans who paid large sums of money to attend them in person to now partake in the Metaverse. Meta has reportedly invested millions into hologram technology, meaning fans could soon enjoy a surreal, hyper-realistic virtual Mark Zuckerberg performing in their living rooms. Those attending in person will be required to wear Oculus headsets so they can “truly experience the concert through the eyes of the algorithm.” Government officials have expressed varying amounts of concern regarding the patents of the headsets, ranging from “assistive visual aid” to “mind control,” but appear to have been bought off via black-market stock exchanges. Back to more important things, the VIP packages even come with an exclusive NFT of Zuckerberg awkwardly clapping at a normal human event!
While some fans are intrigued by the unexpected career shift, others are less enthusiastic. “I just don’t see how someone who struggles with basic human facial expressions is suddenly a rock star,” said one skeptical user on Facebook. Before the East Side News was able to reach out to them, however, their comment, along with their entire digital identity, mysteriously disappeared.
Even with the criticism, early ticket sales are reportedly strong, being sold exclusively on Meta Marketplace for just 10,000 Dogecoin. Meanwhile, Elon Musk, never one to be outdone, has already tweeted that he too is launching a rival “X Factor” tour, featuring nothing but 10-hour synth loops of Tesla autopilot warning sounds and his organic glitches and reboot noises.
Despite the booming competition for Zuckerberg, he remains unfazed. In a recent Instagram Live, he, in what most experts in human behavior believe to be an attempt at a smile, made the following address to his fans: “This is only the beginning. First, we pass Taylor Swift in sales. Then, we march on Washing…. My bad, guys, wrong notes. Then, music will be more immersive, more connected, and more… monetizable.”