By Jessica A. Dennehy
In an unprecedented move, Congress has passed a bill that officially approves funding for the MAGA Death Star. The bill, which ran over 10,000 pages, was reportedly drafted overnight by a coalition of defense contractors, interstellar lobbyists, and overzealous Reddit users. Tucked inside an emergency infrastructure proposal titled “The American Jobs, Bridges, and Definitely Not a Superweapon Act,” the bill was passed in a historic 421-14 vote. Members of both parties supported the measure after being promised their own personalized laser cannons and a free annual pass to the Death Star’s all-you-can-eat buffet. Apparently the gold-encrusted caviar is out of this world!
In a released statement following the bill’s passing, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson defended the rationale for the Death Star decision: “Quite Frankly, our nukes are getting dusty, and it’s about time for an upgrade. Having a MAGA Death Star in orbit is the perfect way to show America’s enemies that we mean business. Also, this is a great way to stimulate the economy. We’re going to need thousands of jobs filled—scientists, engineers, and even poets.”
The Death Star will be a joint venture between NASA, SpaceX, the Department of Defense, and an undisclosed collection of wealthy individuals who definitely have America’s best interests at heart. Expected to cost approximately $17.3 trillion, this project has already been funded through the repurposing of the entire national education budget for the next five years. The Death Star will be constructed over the next decade and will serve both as a space-based military deterrent and as a lavish orbital getaway for the country’s political elite. Preliminary blueprints reveal a plethora of state-of-the-art features, including Reagan-era space lasers, a deep-space Waffle House, and a non-exploding escape pod option exclusively for billionaires.
Meanwhile, the Galactic Empire has reportedly filed a copyright lawsuit against the U.S. government, claiming that the MAGA Death Star is a direct rip-off of their patented Death Star design. Their lawyers argue that the station’s design is an almost exact replica of their own, down to the unnecessarily vulnerable thermal exhaust port. Elon Musk, whose company SpaceX is involved in the MAGA Death Star’s development, dismissed the allegations as “ludicrous and untrue.” When asked by the press for further clarity, as the design is very much a knockoff, Musk rebuked that “it’s not a Death Star, it’s a dark gothic MAGA Death Star.” Despite Elon’s shenanigans, however, to mitigate legal fees, the Pentagon has announced it is hiring Hollywood writers to come up with a more “original” space station aesthetic—one that will have “zero design flaws.”