By: Jessica A. Dennehy
Once upon a time, when high school was full of opportunity and my GPA was still pleasant to look at, there was a pit in the commons where students could gather, socialize, and consume ungodly amounts of cafeteria burritos. It was a sanctuary—a place of camaraderie and bonding. But those days are gone, lost to time and only found in the memories of the occasional upperclassman. Now, the pit returns, reimagined not as a haven, but as an unforgiving arena of discipline. Think less “general sense of happiness” and more… Hunger Games.
In a groundbreaking move, the administration at Williamsville East High School has decided to expand the school’s detention zones to include its swimming pool, transforming it into a space where escape is futile and suffering is mandatory. Once the varsity swim season wraps up, the pool will be drained of its water and filled instead with those foolish enough to talk back to a teacher. The administration believes this “Detention Pit” will serve as the ultimate corrective measure, making students think twice before pulling out their phones in class.
“We’ve tried everything else,” grumbled an administrator. “Lunch detentions? Ignored. Saturday school? Mocked. Calling parents? They laugh at us. This—this is our magnum opus.”
Lest any brave soul attempt a daring escape, the administration has taken precautions to ensure that climbing out of the pit is nearly impossible. The sloped shallow end will be thoroughly coated with oil (organic and allergen-friendly, obviously), transforming it into a nightmarish slip-and-slide. Any attempts to scale the walls will also be in vain—the lifeguard-turned-Pit-Warden will be stationed above, ready to pour scalding hot coffee as a “necessary defensive measure,” ensuring mild burns and maximum regret.
To add to the misery, the bottom of the pool will be strewn with random debris—discarded desk chairs, forgotten textbooks, upturned lockers, and suspiciously placed gym mats—all to create an unpredictable landscape of discomfort. Hidden among the wreckage are a few rogue mousetraps and thumbtacks, just to keep things interesting. Every hour, the pit of horror will unleash a new punishment, from the number-1 pencil-only Scantron sheets to AP-style pop quizzes. Pencils in the Detention Pit will have to be sharpened manually (teeth or whittling), since the pencil sharpener is always out of sight but never out of earshot.
Despite students citing this as cruel and unusual punishment and parents raising concerns over the appropriation of their tax dollars, the administration remains firm in its conviction that this innovative approach will bring order to Williamsville East.
