By: Will Stark
Every four years, the dreaded election season rolls around. Once again, our quiet, peaceful nation is filled with the Biblical sounds of wailing and gnashing of teeth. In November, citizens drag their feet to the nearest voting center in the name of “democracy” and “the republic” to “do their duty as educated citizens of an enlightened nation.” Obviously, there is an underlying problem here, and it’s not that by then people are already listening to Christmas music.
Our nation’s democracy is a noble experiment, one that relies on an educated and participating citizen. To be honest, people don’t care. Politics are, to be frank, incredibly boring. Who wants to listen to some old geezer moan about how our nation is a dumpster fire and how they are the only ones who can fix it? Ok Boomer, at least a dumpster fire is interesting.
The effects of this are very apparent. Voter turnout has plateaued at around 60%, and it has kind of floated there for the past few decades. The demographics for voters across the country are aging because it’s geezers like these politicians who actually have the time to go vote. Nobody with a job (or a life) cares about foreign economic policy. After all, that’s a Europe problem. Young people don’t want to stand in line and vote. Televised debates are a snoozefest. Debates about tariffs and fracking and foreign aid and participation in treaties and organizations and…you still there? My point exactly: politics are boring and a waste of time.
What if it wasn’t that way? What if politics could become interesting, a spectacle worthy of our precious time? Voter turnout would increase. Young people would return to the polls. Political discord would decrease. It might save many a Thanksgiving dinner! In an age where people have an attention span shorter than Kamala Harris’s campaign, it is paramount that our nation makes politics something more appealing to our generation.
Imagine a reality where instead of debates, candidates participated in rap battles and dropped diss tracks. Imagine instead of political advertisements, candidates streamed themselves sneaking into campaign headquarters of the opposing party to release a fleet of rabid squirrels. Instead of speeches and cameos, politicians would duke it out in a cage match. 1v1 Fortnite battles will help voters to determine who is more qualified, rather than a monotonous drone about policy.
The benefits of these solutions are, to be frank, endless. I will proceed to name a few.
For starters, young people will be the new face of politics. By switching from hour long debates about social security and medicare to heated competition in the form of battle rap, where politicians drop bars and spit straight fire. This will make it much easier for young people to empathize with who is talking.
Secondly, by transitioning from presidential debates, political adverts, and rallies, we will ensure what information we consume about the candidates is essential and relevant. Instead of what each politician would do about price gouging and fracking, we would be informed on their wit, charm, ability to think on their feet, if they can keep their head cool in the heat of battle (courtesy of regular Call of Duty games), who has more eye-hand coordination, who can think of the sickest burns, whether they can be trusted to sneak a donkey into the Republican National Convention or elephant into the Democratic National Convention, and many more skills that are of the utmost importance when being President of the United States, leader of the free world, and commander in chief of the most powerful military in history.
After these strategies have been implemented, who could say that politics are boring? This past election season was (except for an attempted assassination, a disastrous presidential debate, a swap in candidates, more debate, and record breaking fundraising) very dull. I will confess that I pretended to be interested in politics because I am the deputy National News editor for our school newspaper, but really, I find them incredibly dry and boring. By converting to diss duels, Minecraft speedruns, and MMA fights, it would be hard to stop writing articles. Watching the Democrats setting off stink bombs at the Republican primaries or streaming the Republicans hacking into the screens at a Democratic rally to display “Liberal Losers” would capture public attention like never before. Nowhere else on the planet would people be so excited to perform their civic duty.
Of course, “every genius has a touch of madness.” Many critics of this proposal have tried to exacerbate my madness, calling it a “threat to democracy” and “the end of the republic” and “seriously concerning. Like, please don’t do this.” Criticism was always expected. A great poet once said, “haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate.” While, of course, I am shaking it off, I will offer the small concession that this proposal may be slightly flawed.
Other alternatives do exist. Greater measures could be taken to connect with the young people of the nation. Maybe politicians could attempt to humanize themselves more, to be side by side with citizens of the United States. Maybe we could make a greater effort to educate people on the significance and importance of politics, and how it is not a far-away matter; rather, politics have consequences felt by all. Maybe we need to change the way candidates campaign that makes them accessible to the rising generation, like utilizing social media to a greater extent.
Let’s face it: these solutions are garbage. How can old blokes connect to younger generations when they can’t even log into Facebook without the help of their grandchildren? Once again, we are limited by the fact that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Honestly, I’m not even sure I want to try these solutions. My idea is way more fun.
Young people are disaffected by politics. They associated them with unrelenting discussions and discourses and assertions about this and that and how the country should be run, and it’s just too much. Why bother? As a result, low voter turnout and political participation. This could all be fixed, simply through the shift to more interesting activities like lyrical smackdowns, races in GTA, Wrestlemania, and dance fights.
Before I accept your generous, albeit warranted, standing ovations, I must confess: as a nonvoter like myself, the lesser emphasis on policies and points of view will not be a problem for me when picking a political candidate. To those who would rather pick someone qualified and able to lead the nation with its best interests at heart (BORING) this might be a struggle.
However, despite its lesser flaws, my plan is comprehensive and will no doubt be effective. It is my sincere desire that this will be implemented as soon as possible. Until then, stay out of politics.