By Muling Lu
When walking through the streets of a town in, say, Mississippi, or perhaps Kentucky, one may be shocked by the appearances of the children residing there. You recall how you looked when you were younger: short hair, t-shirts, dirty sneakers from playing in the lawn all day. These descriptions seem to fit the kids in front of you, but then the major differences strike you. The kids seem to be far more… rotund than you would expect. They don’t seem to be doing much playing in the lawn. Instead, they’re rather busy scrolling on their screens that children their age shouldn’t have unlimited access to.
I believe that the issue is easily visible to anyone, both literally and figuratively; children of this era are far too lazy, eat too much, and push their hearts and tshirts to the brink of explosion. The doctors advise them to exercise, to eat healthy, to get off their screens and engage in healthy childhood behaviors, and yet they watch in disdain as child after child grows up to be rounder than the last. If only there was a way to mandate these kids to exercise and lead productive lives!
My solution(proposed ever so humbly), however, fixes not only that problem, but addresses another issue as well. For decades, America has been trying to “go green” with energy and find a sustainable energy source to provide to the general public without the detrimental effects on the environment. They seek a means to produce energy for the lowest cost and the greatest benefit. They also seek a means to bring these children back to good health so they can serve as the future of this almighty nation.
Now you may be wondering: “Why hasn’t anyone done anything about these problems, if they are so prominent?” The answer is, people have tried, and people have failed. Doctors and government officials and teachers and researchers have tried all sorts of ways to fix childhood obesity. They call for better quality foods to be sold, better education on food and health, less targeted advertising, but none of their efforts seem to produce much effect. But at the end of the day, these people have much more important things to be worried about. As long as they chip in to their projects, they get paid. None of them are truly dedicated to solving childhood obesity. On the contrary, I can guarantee the general public that my idea is not only effective, but very well thought out and calculated.
Where am I going with this? Well, the people need a more sustainable source of energy. The children have far too much chemical energy stored in their little bodies. There seems to be a clear solution.
Before you think to yourself that I’m a monster who’s suggesting we sacrifice the children into huge boilers and somehow harness the energy in their vapors, I’d like to assure you that that is not the case. I’m a living, breathing, and empathetic human being too (emphasis on the empathetic)! And transferring chemical energy into usable energy in one step seems entirely scientifically improbable. I instead propose a two step process: first converting the energy from chemical into kinetic, and then kinetic to usable energy. This revolutionary process will increase energy efficiency by nearly two times and be far less costly than whatever vaporization-based mad scientist scheme you all were contemplating.
After much careful consideration, I believe this method is the most cost-effective and beneficial to everyone. The obese children should be taken, or should I say, borrowed temporarily, for a government energy project. They will bike on power generators that all connect to one huge outlet, providing the people with a sustainable energy source and giving the kids exercise. The chemical energy stored in them is put to good use; if their bodies can’t use it, someone else might as well use it for them.
The methods to this plan are extremely cheap and easy to implement. During the annual physical given to the kids, doctors will calculate their BMI. If it is considered the upper half of overweight or obese, the kids are given a lollipop, told that they did “so well” for cooperating with the doctor, then the doctor will tell them to board a bus home (hint: it’s not a bus home). The living energy storages will then board the bus and wait for enough inventory to be collected. Finally, the bus drives them to a secret location not found on google maps, and there they are introduced to their new “home”.
At the “home” (if you haven’t caught on by now, it’s an energy farm), all kids are reweighed and sorted from most to least energy. Those with the most excess energy are sent first to the bikes. The rest are taken away and fed with cheap McDonalds and Burger King until they reach a certain BMI threshold, then they are also allowed to bike. At first the living, breathing energy stores will comply, since all kids love biking. Once they begin to get tired, we simply remind them of their goal (that we will propagandize them into believing, don’t worry) of having a six pack and legs so buff that they need adult size XXL shorts. This will motivate them to keep going and pedal harder.
Once they’ve slimmed down enough, we announce with a heavy heart that they are free to go. However, just to make sure they’ve learned their lesson, we offer to throw them a party before they go home. Now, if the kids choose wrong and decide to go to the party, it means they haven’t learned their lesson and the propaganda hasn’t worked. In that case, our solution is simple. We wipe their memory, feed them so much cake that they become an energy source once again, and then send them right back to the bikes. It’s important to make sure that kids of their age do learn their lesson and truly believe in committing to a healthy lifestyle.
Now you might be saying, “What the heck?? The kids are energy sources?? You’re sick!!” To that, I can only say that I am not the sick one; rather, I am saving the kids from sickness later in their lives. You might suggest founding organizations to solve this issue, or spreading awareness. However, your simple minded planning overlooks a critical flaw in human psychology: corruption. Organizations handle so much money that it’s easy for those in charge of handling the big bucks to let it get to their head. Sooner or later, half of the money donated to these organizations end up in the hands of those in leadership positions rather than the kids who need it. Also, what other way can you think of to solve both obesity and sustainable energy at the same time? Would you not rather kill two birds with one stone?
Besides being extremely efficient and brilliant ( all credit goes to me, thank you, thank you), my plan also has advantages that no other solution could accomplish. First of all, nonprofits are ALL the rage these days. And speaking of nonprofit, did you notice that nowhere along the way did we mention any intake of money? That’s right, we’re operating off a minimum budget for maximum productivity! Such selfless and generous businesses are truly diamonds in the rough in the capitalist system we’ve adopted.
Secondly, if the procedure goes well here, it could be implemented in other countries, especially in the 3rd world and developing countries that need a cheap source of energy to jumpstart their economies and factories. Sending our obese children to those countries would significantly improve the living conditions of those residing there and aid in their development. It would also increase diplomatic relations between the US and potential future allies.
Lastly, the most obvious advantage is that the plan addresses two separate issues. By solving childhood obesity at its root (in children, duh), we ensure that these children will lead healthy lives moving forward and will spread their newfound wisdom with their children and those around them. Decreasing childhood obesity leads to lower rates of adult obesity, leading to an increased amount of productive and able bodied individuals, which benefits both the workforce and the army. Additionally, by discovering a lasting source of free energy, scientists and researchers can now focus their attention on developing even more efficient and less environmentally damaging ways of acquiring energy to supply the future generations after we inevitably run out of obese children to power the bikes. This new technology will surely bring glory and respect to our nation while also improving the lives of many(imagine, lower electricity bills!).
With all this being said, I really can’t think of a better solution to the problems we face in the modern world. Sure, we could set laws and regulations on the usage of fossil fuels and research cleaner alternatives, but that’s simply too expensive and time consuming. We could also set federal restrictions on the health of marketed foods and try to educate ourselves on food deserts, but who’s to say that’ll have any real effects? If there are any, they’ll probably be nowhere near as prominent as the results of my proposal.
Though this plan has evident advantages over any other I have encountered thus far, please bear in mind that I am not a closed minded person. If any other solution is equally as cost effective, beneficial, selfless, and easily implemented, I’d be happy to consider it. However, I have yet to come across another detailed solution that meets these criteria. It’s simply impossible(or should I say improbable?) for another procedure to be designed that is as streamlined as the one I’ve constructed. Of course, I say this with the humblest intentions. I only want what is best for the people.
As stated many times already, I propose this course of action with the greatest sincerity and purity of my heart. I have nothing to gain from this proposal and seek only to provide to the fortune of our great country. I am not acquainted with any obese children that I’d personally love to be sent to these energy farms. This is a humble solution organized by a humble woman with no ill intentions; the benefits are evenly split for everyone, as my humble character could never permit a single group to be targeted without reason.