By Simon Li and quaggy
In the history of the United States of America, September 29, 2020 will forever be engraved as the day the presidential debate was held with the moderator. As soon as the moderator announced the start of the debate and with it, his love of caramelized onions, Trump took offense from the latter and fiercely responded that “raw is justice”. The rest of the hour and a half just went downhill from there, so unintelligible that a foreigner wouldn’t even want to imagine.
As the debate went on, a pattern emerged. Mr. Wallace would open his mouth to introduce a question, take a drink of water, or simply to breathe from his mouth for a change, and he would be immediately bombarded with the “millions of Jobs that I’ve Created. And the Trillions of Dollars that I’ve Put In the Economy”, or more daringly the “I get bad press all the time. I get bad press from the Fake News and not him. Just me. The Fake News lies all the time. But I’m used to it. Besides that, I have the military, the church, the law enforcement, the suspicious guys in the alley, the far left, and even the children’s support.”
Eventually, Mr. Wallace requested to switch seats with the President just to see if that would give him the high ground (it didn’t, his moderator’s chair was actually about four feet higher than the podium). Trump continued to rain fire from above and mercilessly pummeled Mr. Wallace with red-hot arguments and flaming insults without leaving so much as a sliver of a moment for him to respond through.
Joe Biden, on the other hand, simply stood behind a podium for 40 minutes and laughed for half the time. When addressing Donald Trump, Biden asked, “Folks, do you have any idea what this clown is doing?”, as well as “Will you shut up, man?”, “You’re the worst president America has ever had”, and finally calling him “Putin’s puppy” (It is unclear whether he was referring to Putin’s known love for canines or implying that Trump enjoyed and actively participated in roleplaying as a pet).
Trump tactfully chose to avoid addressing these criticisms, but later responded with “There’s nothing smart about you, Joe.”
Biden also declared himself to be the Democratic party, stating “I am the Democratic Party, and none shall oppose me”, completely ruining the festive and jovial mood, spilling his iced coffee all over the stage and drawing boos from the crowd.
Mr. Wallace tried to find a backdoor in Trump’s impeccable wall of rebuttals by trying to get Biden, who was wondering why he had no teleprompter, to answer a question, but to no avail, as Joe had already moved on to counting out loud the amount of fingers in his right hand (“It’s four. I knew it.”) before requesting a “potty break” and taking his leave from the stage. At this, Trump cheered himself on and claimed “the W” in the upcoming election while he pointed an “L” at Biden. Biden was not heard from again for the rest of the debate.
After the debate concluded, one ABC reporter stated that the debate was a total mess and the worst thing he had ever seen. The janitors could not be reached for comment but loud retching noises could be heard shortly after they left the stage.
