Thursday, October 28, 2021

Prince Philip Caught With a Cultural Artifact to Gain Immortality (April...

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A major scandal has rocked the United Kingdom once again. The BBC has reported that Prince Philip has been caught at an unknown location in the Middle East with the Holy Grail. Reports say that Prince Philip used the Grail to achieve immortality. The Grail was reported stolen after an American archaeologist was last seen with it in the 1930s. Buckingham Palace has quickly issued a statement saying, “We strongly deny any accusation made against Prince Philip that he achieved immortality through stealing a cultural artifact.” In June, Prince Philip turns 100 years old and people have often asked how he has achieved his level of longevity. It seems that people finally have the answer to that question, stealing cultural artifacts. Given that he is a member of the Royal Family, Prince Philip cannot be charged with a crime.

Lorde Announces Lead Single off of Much-Awaited New Album (April Fools...

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After much wait (nearly four years), Lorde is releasing the first single from her new album. With her last studio album, Melodrama, being released in 2017, many fans have been clamoring for content since. Due to many artists opting to announce and release albums online during the pandemic, fans have been hoping Lorde will follow suit.

Genshin Impact Announces Removal of Pity System (April Fools Edition)

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Since its debut in September, Genshin Impact has amassed a dedicated playerbase of almost forty million active players. Part of what brings in these players are the 5 star characters. Headed by an intriguing story of mystery and betrayal, especially in the second act of the Liyue chapter, starring 5 star characters as Zhongli, Xiao, and Ganyu. Solely on mobile, these three Liyue featured characters brought in over $45.4 million in revenue for miHoYo.

Vtubers Incite Worldwide Bank Robbing (April Fools Edition)

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Vtubers, a subcategory of YouTubers who use 2D anime characters as an identity, have recently taken the internet by storm. The majority of their earnings come from “superchats”, comments that can be paid to be put front and center on a live chat feed. These comments, upwards of 500$ at once, add up quickly and have made Vtubers millions, mainly for the COVER Corporation’s “Hololive” Vtubers whose clips and iconic personalities have brought in millions of fans. As of writing this article, Hololive Vtubers hold all of the top 5 spots in superchat earnings with each of the top 5 earning over 1 million dollars. It has recently come out that to earn all this money, multiple bank robberies across America and Japan have been committed in the name of these anime girls.

Sherlock Season 5 Out May 10th on Netflix (April Fools Edition)

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To the alacrity of their long-suffering fanbase, it has been announced that the fifth season of BBC’s Sherlock will be available on Netflix on 10 May 2021. After BBC One refused to pick up the new season, worrying that “teaching waterfowl to solve crimes is just not realistic” (New York Times), the producers turned to Netflix, a welcome move for some viewers who are inclined to watch the entire season in one go. Netflix immediately began marketing the show as an original series, convincing absolutely nobody.

BREAKING NEWS: Queen Elizabeth is Abdicating the Throne (April Fools Edition)

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Queen Elizabeth is missing. Gone. Disappeared. How, you may ask, does a 94 year old woman, living in the most secure institution in England just disappear? YOU’RE asking the wrong question; she didn’t disappear. She escaped.

Street Dance Troupe Performs in East Amherst Neighborhoods (April Fools Edition)

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On Tuesday, March 23rd, East Amherst residents woke up to the clatter of the garbage trucks and the electric pulse of Moldovan Eurodance music. Many reported that a troupe of garbage disposal workers broke into dance as they collected the week’s garbage. In an official statement from the local Waste Management supervisor Gregory Greg III, the dancers were identified as employees of the firm who belong to a local dance group known as Ronnie and the Beans, who are preparing for their America’s Got Talent audition this summer.

Small Town in Florida Dedicates a Church to Shaggy Rogers after...

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Florida is considered to be one of the weirdest states in the United States of America. From the infamous Florida Man to alligators to the blood-sucking mosquitoes, Florida is its own country at this point. Even President Carl Wheezer has stated that Florida was “a strange place that shouldn’t be associated with America”. Upon the president’s statement, hundreds and thousands of Americans have started up campaigns and petitions to fully remove Florida from the United States.

Animal Rights Activists Raise Concerns Over Zoo Mask Policies (April Fools...

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Summer is on its way, and with it comes the annual tradition of trips to local zoos. However, this summer might not be as fun for our primate compatriots as previous years with the introduction of new health and safety procedures to be implemented nationwide. The Health Association For Animal Recreational Training (HA-FART) has now recommended that all primate and primate-adjacent species should be trained to assist zoo employees with enforcing mask and social distance policies for all guests.

Senate Republicans’ Case Against D.C. Statehood: Middle Dakota (April 1st Edition)

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As the debate over statehood for Washington D.C. rages, with the opposition consisting mainly of arguments citing its heavy Democratic leanings, House Republicans have unveiled their plans for a 52nd state. Meet the brainchild of the Republican Party: Middle Dakota.

The East Side News makes its IPO (April 1st Edition)

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The East Side News made its initial public offering on the New York Stock Exchange this past week, and investors are excited. The media conglomerate, which generates millions of dollars per year, is an investor magnate.

Bombshell Study Shows that the Entirety of Last Year Never Happened...

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According to a new peer-reviewed study, all of humanity has been in one long fever-dream since January 1st, 2020. The research claims that there has- in fact- been no global pandemic, boiling racial tensions, or attempted coups in the last year.

Honoring This Year’s Retirees! (April 1st Edition)

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For the heart and soul of the music department, a 190 foot marble statue of our beloved band teacher, Dr. Shewan, has been constructed to recognize his 190 years of service to this school.

Giorgio Fontana: The Explorer Who Was Erased From History (April 1st...

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Your teachers, your school, your country, and even Tim and Moby, have been lying to you.

Sabres Win a Game (April 1st Edition, We Hope)

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In a shocking turn of events, the Sabres upset the Flyers last night 4-2, ending their 18 game losing streak. This victory was a longtime coming for the miserable Sabres fan base and struggling players.

Trump’s National Library Will be One Folder of All His Tweets...

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As of now, the library is planned to be constructed in the middle of Fifth Avenue and will be made entirely of solid gold, including all of his signature writings.

Ted Cruz Denies Terminally Ill Child Final Wish to Visit Senate,...

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Last week, the Texas Senator voted to deny a terminally-ill 11 year old’s dying wish to visit the senate while it was in session on the basis of “Capitol Security Concerns”.

Teachers Can See Your Tabs In New Zoom Update (April 1st...

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Get ready because teachers are already able to update their Zoom accounts. Here are some things you need to know about these new updates.

Local Teacher Dissed by Government Issued Cease and Desist (April 1st...

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By Cian Colgan and Seth Gellman Source: Made by Cian Colgan, original image credit to Tim Trockoe   Williamsville East chemistry teacher and Pendleton conservation board member...

APRIL FOOLS – RussiaCo Company Profile

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While the DOW Jones and nearly every company might be taking hits right now, one new company that recently established itself has been...

APRIL FOOLS – A Modest Proposal: Year-Long Remote Learning

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Over my previous weeks devoted to frequent meditation and the study of human nature, I have concluded that the shift we see today...

APRIL FOOLS – Ads to be placed on WITS

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The Superintendent of the Williamsville Central School District has announced that advertisements will be placed on the Williamsville Information Tracking System, a platform...

APRIL FOOLS – French Courses to be replaced with Canadian

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by Simon Li In a stunning move, the Williamsville Central School District has decided to replace all French courses with Canadian, effective immediately next...

APRIL FOOLS – West High School Construction

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The four cardinal directions are north, south, east, and west. Accordingly, the four Williamsville high schools are North, South, East, and ... West???  Yes,...

APRIL FOOLS – Console Release Dates To Be Pushed Back Due...

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Mounting consoles release date concerns should be hushed, at least for a moment. Speculation has pointed towards their big next-gen console getting pushed...

APRIL FOOLS – Joe Biden announces ice cream pop-up shops

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by Joelle Silvestri and Maler Suresh Biden vs. Sanders, the battle of the year. With the next elections coming, YOU may be wondering who...

APRIL FOOLS – North and South to start Unity in Diversity...

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After years of bartering and negotiations, North and South have both successfully obtained approval to start Unity in Diversity clubs on the same scale...

APRIL FOOLS – Russ Feingold accepts Democratic nomination

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Today, DNC chairman Tom Perez announced that former three term Wisconsin Senator Russ Feingold will be the party’s nominee for the 2020 election. ...

APRIL FOOLS – UB announces change in acceptance policy for the...

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by Nikitha Kamath Whether you are confident about the existence of climate change, staunchly believe that vaccination is a hoax or find yourself wondering if...

APRIL FOOLS – The Sabres go Swedish

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by Colleen Meosky It’s no secret that the Buffalo Sabres roster includes many Swedish names. It was the reason why the team was selected...
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